So am I a blogger or not? I would say NOT!
You know the crazy thing about my life is that I am finally realizing (hard headed is one way of putting it) that I don't know anything. I am not kidding. Every principle, work ethic, health tip, old wives tale, political thought, child rearing discipline, etc. has been challenged and found to have flaws.
Not to mention my brain is just a bunch of mush most days. I am going to blame menopause for the lack of brain function. Today I have had a hard time formulating thought, paying attention, staying awake. Demonstrated perfectly by me pulling out in front of a car 10 yards away as I left the post office. All I could do was mouth sorry as they looked at me like I was out of my ever loving mind crazy lady. Which of course I was...
So roll that all together and I just don't have anything worthy of saying to anybody when I can't even manage my own thought processes. So why would I blog? Really who am I to try and be profound or smart (no comments please) or cute or anything really. Every day I get older God shows me how little and insignificant I really am. Unworthy of anything...
I have been re-watching a Loui Giglio video series and God has been reminding me again how big and awesome he is and how little and puny I am. Scripture is full of the wonder and awe of my God. But for some reason ever since we returned from the mission field I have had to scratch and claw and hold on tight and work and sweat to stay in the word and close to Jesus. I know I know...WHAT?? I don't know...its been really hard. There is no one I trust more than Jesus. So why? Whats wrong with me?
I think when I realize I don't know anything and I really can't accomplish anything its a hard pill to swallow when you have taken such pride in being able to DO things. And then there is the mission field that I so desperately long to be in (don't get me wrong- We are ALL IN THE MISSION FIELD wherever we are. Oh I do know something!). Throw this Collin County affluent American culture on top of all that and I am a mess. I feel like I don't belong here but I fit here. Its like that piece of the jigsaw puzzle that snaps into the spot it doesn't belong. Thats me! I'm where I am supposed to be but I just don't fit even though it looks like I do.
And I am coming to realize this is exactly where God wants me (Col 2:8). He is slowly reteaching me that I am a little bitty blip on a little bitty earth in a ginormous cosmos with no significance that can do nothing on my own. But if I will submit to him HE will be able to do more than I can ever dream or imagine (Eph 3:20). So as hard as it is I don't want to know anything...except that HE is the answer to everything. And I KNOW that!
So lets get together and talk. I am much more open minded than before. Because today He reminds me I know nothing and today is my miracle day because HE is not done with me yet.
Sandy
